Funny Things About Cancer

There are some funny things that I have experienced going though this.

1. Food: All of sudden, I need to gain weight.  It is like the rules of dieting are backwards. You get recipes like, "Take whole milk, jam powered milk in it and add ice cream mix up for a nice treat". You get advice like "Eat a piece of cheesecake in the morning when you are feeling
   good." I must have missed the health class where they were like "Drop and eat a cheesecake!!"
    
2. Propofoal: This is a short acting anesthesia. It seems like a light-switch. I had 3 procedures where they used this to knock me out. The third time, I was like "Let's see if I can stay awake." Well I could not count down from 10. Also every time I wake up I'm like "Hay I'm waking up." They always say "Well you should be as we are done you have been out for 30 min." Alexis tells me that I'm loud when I wake up as I don't know how loud I'm speaking. It's funny as the drug turns me into one of those shouty old men while I'm waking up.
   
3. Cranial Augments: This sounds pretty cool. I could have mental super powers. Does it allow you to read minds? I'm looking forward to Professor X time? Can you at least remember where your keys are? Nope, its the medical term for a wig so insurance will pay. I was thinking of getting a long blond Thor type wig.
   
4. Ultimate Cheat code:  would you like to.... Nope, have cancer. It is weird that I have this nuclear option where I don't need to do anything I don't want to do. I'm free from scooping the litter box and it is a great work excuse. Unfortunately, I'm stupid and I refuse to use it.
   
5.  Guy privilege: It is like being pregnant but being a guy. Lets see, loss of energy, nausea, can't eat foods like sushi, random pains and checking your weight and temperature every morning. Yes, my wife jokes that I'm basically a baby-man who is pregnant. Therefore I can use this as an excuse that no woman could. ( I am understating it a bit, still it is funny)
   
6. Drug dealers: Due to some of the pain, the Dr.'s are like "Hay do you want some drugs!"  Since this happened around Halloween, I felt like I should be walking into the office with a costume and saying "trick or treat!" Your all like, man chemo gives me the hiccups and their like here is a drug for that. I should mention that I can no longer use my superpowers to see if they will give me super-solider drugs. I could be Captain America! Also: Chemo class comes with free thermometer, what a deal.
   
7. Bad Netflix movies: Wow, there are some stunningly bad Netfilx movies. They are so bad that I can be lying in bed, unable to do really anything and still be like, I can't watch this. While I don't think my nausea is from the quality of some of the movies, who knows.
   
8. Tiny shampoo bottle: I ran out of shampoo. My wife being smart knows that I have about one week left with hair for the next few months. She bought a travel size shampoo bottle. I guess if you are bald you soap your head?
   
9. Free Glitter: When you have a 7 year old she will decide that the way to "light up your desk" is to dump a pile of glitter on it. My basement now looks like a glittering cave.  Glitter is a magical substance, it can get everywhere.
   
10. Confirmation of Names: When getting the medications, they have two people confirm it and they ask you your name. Once they asked for my name to make sure that they were giving the right person the right medication. I answered "John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, his name is my name too". Since this was a new nurse asking the question, she was very confused at first and then entertained.  Also, some of my relatives wanted to name the cancer, so it's name is Chuck. We are asking Chuck to leave.